Memories

All these memories keep going through my head. They make me smile a little bit, but at the same time it makes me sad. Sad because I don't want to have just memories; I also want to have you. We went to Wal-mart today and saw a slip-n-slide on display. Daddy and I almost at the same time said, Remember when Toby got on Taylor's slip-n-side. You actually would run and slide on it. She also had a little pool that you would just sit in. You loved it. I wish I could just be happy when I think of these memories, but I just can't. I miss you. I dread the next week. Daddy will probably work, and I'll be at this house. I guess I don't have to be, but I probably won't have the energy to go anywhere. Plus part of me is waiting for you to come back home. I keep opening the gate. I push it all the way back so a patch of grass will hold it. But everytime when I come out in the backyard it is closed again.

We still haven't found Chandler. I had a lady that lives in Wichita Falls email me. She thought it was a long shot, but had found a Golden Retriever that sounded like Chandler. I sent her a picture of him and she emailed this morning to say that the dog she found had darker, thinner hair.

I really don't know if finding Chandler will help me. But I feel like he might be grieving too. I know he's just a dog, but you were his best buddy, you were his brother. I know he was probably with you when you got hit. He probably got scared and ran off. Daddy and me are going to put up signs today. Hopefully we'll find Chandler.

I feel so bad, but I can't even think about the future without feeling sad. I can't imagine having this baby without you living here. I can't imagine Christmas without you. I can't even imagine the next day without you. It's really hard. EAch minute that goes by I feel farther away from you.

I think I hear you sometimes. Wednesday evening (before I knew about you) I kept hearing a tapping noise in the kitchen. I also heard some scratching noises, like how your feet sounded on the wood floor. I'd like to think that was you. Then again it scares me because I want you to really be here, not just your spirit. This morning, I was half asleep and I could of sworn I heard a grunting sound. You would always get up the second you heard me stirring. My heart fluttered for a moment, but then I quickly remembered you weren't home.

When's this going to get better, Toby? I don't know. I know the only way it could really get better is to have you home with us. I can never stop wishing that you would come home.