It has been 3 years..

..since you left us. 3 years since we last saw you. 3 years ago you were tragically taken from us. We still miss you a lot. The rawness we felt right after it happened isn't as bad, but there is still an emptiness in our lives. 2 new dogs have been added to our home- Max and Tripp (we rescued Tripp from a shelter just 2 months ago). Life keeps going on but we will NEVER forget you. I love you Toby bear!!!!!!! Always and Forever!

I haven't forgotten.

I know it's been ages since I've posted anything on this blog. Toby, I still think about you daily. My heart hurts everytime you cross my mind. I still have so much anger, hurt, resentment, and regret in my heart. I really miss you.. so much. Even after all these months, it feels surreal. I love you.

I got my hopes up.

The other day I was looking at craig's list. There was an ad for a dog someone found around Tech. The description fit you to a t. They even said you were wearing a red collar with no tags. I tried not to get my hopes up but I did. My heart felt so full of hope. I called the number that was on the ad, but no answer. I emailed to ask if the dog is a golden retriever. I thought surely they would of included that in the ad, but some people don't know about breeds. I took a nap after this and for once I didn't wake up sad. I kept day dreaming about picking you up and surprising daddy when he got home from work. I kept thinking I'm not ever going to let you out. I'll go outside when you do your business. I won't ever leave the house unless I absolutely have to. I won't care if we take a vacation because I won't want to be away from you. I was so happy. I thought maybe, just maybe, you weren't gone.

Well, I got the email back this morning and they said that it looked to be a mix of a lab and breckenridge.:-(:-( I wanted it to be you so bad. I wanted to be happy again. Toby, it's been way too long since I've seen you. I miss you...........sooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I hate being this sad but I can't help it. My heart aches with every beat.

I want you. I need you. I don;t want to go to sleep another night without you sneaking on the bed in the middle of the night. I don't want to wake up without you licking my face. I hate this. ..

The pain never goes away.

Toby, will this ever get easier? I doubt it. I miss you so much I literally feel like I'm going to die of a heartache. It hurts so bad. Everyday you are on my mind. Everyday I long for you to come back. You were only 2. This just isn't fair. Why did God have to take you? I just don't understand this. On the paper at the pound it said they picked you up at 6 in the morning. When I asked about you on freecycle, 2 people said they saw you on the side of the road. You must of gotten hit before 6. Maybe 4 or 5 in the morning. How many people are out on the road then? Not many. So how did it turn out that the exact second you were crossing the street a car was coming? I wish you would come back home more than anything in the world. I keep having these daydreams where you come back. When I take out the trash I always look down the alley, hoping to see you running up to me. I kept hearing a dog cry yesterday. I went out to the front and then the back, hoping it was you, but it wasn't. I still look in the paper at the lost and found ads. I don't know if this is denial or what, but I just can't, I won't let go. Right now I'm crying uncontrollably. I'm so sick of being sad. I'm so tired of crying. I'm emotionally exhausted, totally drained. I hate going to bed with an empty, sad heart and waking up without you. I keep reading these posts on the petloss messageboard I go to. People post how they are heart broken because they had to put their 16, 17, 18 year old pet to sleep. God Toby If I could of even gotten 10 years that would of been wonderful. I feel cheated. I also feel so much guilt, so much. I should of let you in that night. If I had everything would be okay. I failed you, baby. I'm a horrible mom. I let you die. You were crying, even howling, something I had never heard you do. You were calling for me and I just ignored you. I'm so sorry, Toby. I keep thinking I should of put you in the garage, or the office maybe, or even Holden's room. Anywhere but outside.

guilt, regrets...

I'm so sorry Toby. I feel compelled to yell that at the top of my lungs. I feel such an overwhelming amount of guilt for what happened to you. I feel like I failed you. I keep replaying that night in my head. I wanted to let you in so bad. I wish I would of. I remember I kept trying to reassure myself that you would be okay for one night. I kept thinking in my head that it wasn't hot outside, the temperature was perfect, you had water. I kept trying to make myself feel better. I wish I would of just let you in. I can never go back to that moment unfortunately. I just can't believe just like that you were gone. Gone forever. I feel so much heart break. It's impossible to get through a day without breaking down. I'm so sorry Toaster. I'm so incredibly sorry. I will never in a million years forgive myself for leaving you out. I went against my gut and now we both are paying. I just hope that you are happy wherever you are. That's the only thing that gives me some peace is thinking about you playing with Chester, Al, Link, and all the other pets that have passed on. Even so I wouldn't hesitate for a second to have you back, if it was possible. I love you. I miss you with every fiber of my being.

sick and tired

I'm so tired Toby. I'm just sick of everything. I'm tired of waking up without you and going to bed without you. I'm tired of crying, but I can't stop. The only way things could get better is if you weren't really gone. I miss you so much. It's all I think about. I feel so empty, so so empty. Why did this happen? That is something I will never in a million years understand. I miss you baby, God this is hard.

You know what happened today? I was sitting on the floor by the couch. Holden was sitting on the couch. Chandler was sitting in front of the front door. All of sudden I hear a noise and I looked towards the kitchen and Holden's ball that goes with his dinosaur toy was rolling. It was really wierd. No one was by it and it just started rolling around. I know it was you. I had a strong feeling that you were the one moving it. Please visit me more often. It makes me feel better knowing you are there. I wish I could see you though. I wish I could touch you gold fur. I wish I could curl up with you on the couch. I miss you, Toaster. More than I could ever explain.

I miss you so much. I feel like I'm going to die of sadness.