The pain never goes away.

Toby, will this ever get easier? I doubt it. I miss you so much I literally feel like I'm going to die of a heartache. It hurts so bad. Everyday you are on my mind. Everyday I long for you to come back. You were only 2. This just isn't fair. Why did God have to take you? I just don't understand this. On the paper at the pound it said they picked you up at 6 in the morning. When I asked about you on freecycle, 2 people said they saw you on the side of the road. You must of gotten hit before 6. Maybe 4 or 5 in the morning. How many people are out on the road then? Not many. So how did it turn out that the exact second you were crossing the street a car was coming? I wish you would come back home more than anything in the world. I keep having these daydreams where you come back. When I take out the trash I always look down the alley, hoping to see you running up to me. I kept hearing a dog cry yesterday. I went out to the front and then the back, hoping it was you, but it wasn't. I still look in the paper at the lost and found ads. I don't know if this is denial or what, but I just can't, I won't let go. Right now I'm crying uncontrollably. I'm so sick of being sad. I'm so tired of crying. I'm emotionally exhausted, totally drained. I hate going to bed with an empty, sad heart and waking up without you. I keep reading these posts on the petloss messageboard I go to. People post how they are heart broken because they had to put their 16, 17, 18 year old pet to sleep. God Toby If I could of even gotten 10 years that would of been wonderful. I feel cheated. I also feel so much guilt, so much. I should of let you in that night. If I had everything would be okay. I failed you, baby. I'm a horrible mom. I let you die. You were crying, even howling, something I had never heard you do. You were calling for me and I just ignored you. I'm so sorry, Toby. I keep thinking I should of put you in the garage, or the office maybe, or even Holden's room. Anywhere but outside.