here's the picture that is my wallpaper:

just some thoughts.

I feel sick tonight. Chandler is back, but it just doesn't feel the same without you. I have your picture set as my wallpaper and everytime I see your big, brown dough eyes my heart drops. I still can't believe any of this. I just can't. It hurts. Here it is not even 9 and I want to go to bed. Not so much because I'm tired (though I am a little) but mostly just so my mind can rest. I think of you all the time. I just don't understand why you had to leave. I'm so sad without you. I feel lost. I feel empty.

Daddy told me the other night that I needed to stop crying about you. He said enough was enough. But I Can't. How can I just stop grieving? I lost my Toby Bear. I don't feel like I'll ever "get over" this. How could I? I don't even have tears to cry anymore, but I still cry. *Sigh* I wish this nightmare would end. I wish I could wake up to you. Why is that so impossible. I'm mad at God. He can heal all those people and bring them back from death. Why not you? I'm also mad because there are so many other dogs that could of got hit. Mean dogs. Dogs who's owners wouldn't even really care. Why did it have to be you? Also I still don't understand how yall opened the gate. Daddy had made sure it was shut good before he left Tuesday morning. He threw himself against it to make sure it wouldn't budge, and it didn't. How did you do it? Why did you do it? These thoughts run through my head constantly through the day. This is all so surreal to me. I really can't believe this happened. I think I'll be in shock forever.

you're gone

Well Toby we went to the pound today and found your brother. He was in a pin with some bully of a dog that kept snapping at him everytime he tried to jump up. I looked in the deceased books for May 24th and there was your description. They don't take pictures, maybe that is a good thing. I'm so happy to have Chand Man back, but I'm so sad to not have you. Please visit me every now and then. I know you are probably busy with playing with all the other dogs. Say hi to Link, and Chester, and Al. I miss you baby. I always will. I'll never understood why this happened.

Good Night

Good night, Toby bear. I'm about to go to sleep. I wish you would follow me in there and jump on the bed. You would always lay on Daddy's pillow if he were still watching t.v. I have this image of you stuck in my head. Where you are laying on Daddy's pillow and your body is facing the wall, but your head is turned looking at me. I used to hug you when you laid by me. I remember in the mornings when Daddy would get up to get ready for work, you would immediately take his spot. Sometimes if my face was facing you, you would lick me. A few times your tongue went in my mouth. Ewww. How I wish now that I could wake up to that. I wouldn't even care how gross it is, but then that reminds me of that one time when I was changing Holden's diaper and you came around one side and took a piece of poop. Yuck. You sure liked his diapers. The poopier the better. Well, Toby, I don't know what else to say tonight. I miss you. I love you. I want you home with us. Good night, baby.

Hey Toblerone

Today I'm going to try to get you Dad to go to the pound with me. Please don't let it be you in those pictures. Please. I've never been so depressed. Not having you in my life is killing me. I hate it. We still haven't found Chandler. Maybe he is with you? Maybe yall are in someone's backyard. God, I hope so.

Memories

All these memories keep going through my head. They make me smile a little bit, but at the same time it makes me sad. Sad because I don't want to have just memories; I also want to have you. We went to Wal-mart today and saw a slip-n-slide on display. Daddy and I almost at the same time said, Remember when Toby got on Taylor's slip-n-side. You actually would run and slide on it. She also had a little pool that you would just sit in. You loved it. I wish I could just be happy when I think of these memories, but I just can't. I miss you. I dread the next week. Daddy will probably work, and I'll be at this house. I guess I don't have to be, but I probably won't have the energy to go anywhere. Plus part of me is waiting for you to come back home. I keep opening the gate. I push it all the way back so a patch of grass will hold it. But everytime when I come out in the backyard it is closed again.

We still haven't found Chandler. I had a lady that lives in Wichita Falls email me. She thought it was a long shot, but had found a Golden Retriever that sounded like Chandler. I sent her a picture of him and she emailed this morning to say that the dog she found had darker, thinner hair.

I really don't know if finding Chandler will help me. But I feel like he might be grieving too. I know he's just a dog, but you were his best buddy, you were his brother. I know he was probably with you when you got hit. He probably got scared and ran off. Daddy and me are going to put up signs today. Hopefully we'll find Chandler.

I feel so bad, but I can't even think about the future without feeling sad. I can't imagine having this baby without you living here. I can't imagine Christmas without you. I can't even imagine the next day without you. It's really hard. EAch minute that goes by I feel farther away from you.

I think I hear you sometimes. Wednesday evening (before I knew about you) I kept hearing a tapping noise in the kitchen. I also heard some scratching noises, like how your feet sounded on the wood floor. I'd like to think that was you. Then again it scares me because I want you to really be here, not just your spirit. This morning, I was half asleep and I could of sworn I heard a grunting sound. You would always get up the second you heard me stirring. My heart fluttered for a moment, but then I quickly remembered you weren't home.

When's this going to get better, Toby? I don't know. I know the only way it could really get better is to have you home with us. I can never stop wishing that you would come home.

Some good thoughts

I'm trying to make myself feel better. Trying to think of positive things. I keep thinking that you are probably up in doggy heaven playing with Link and Pepper. Link is probably getting on to you because you are so hyper.:-) You're probably making your excited cry sound.


Also I think in my mind if I were given 2 choices. 1 being that I never had you and never felt the hurt of losing you. And the other choice would be that I had you for 2 years and then felt the hurt of losing you. I think I would pick the second one. Even though it hurts really bad, I did get 2 years with you.

Toby.

I'm so mad at God right now. How could he take you? Why? I just don't understand. I love you so much. I don't know how I'm ever going to move on from this. Each day I wake up crying and each night I cry myself to sleep. When I'm at this house I feel like I'm trapped in a box that is full of sadness. I just can't function anymore. I'm just too damn sad. I just can't believe that you will never run through this house. That you will never lay under the desk. That I will never wake up in the middle of the night because you are sleeping on my legs. I don't know what I'm going to do without you. I feel like a part of me is missing. Toby, why did you have to leave me. I would of let you in in the morning. I'm so sorry baby. I should of let you in that night. You never sleep outside. You always sleep with me. I'll never forgive myself. Never.

Why why why

Toby, I miss you so much. I don't what I'm going to do without you. God. I never thought anything like this would happen to you. I'm so sorry, Baby. I wish you were here with me, laying under the desk. I would even mind if you chewed up another bra. I just need you. I don't know what else to say. I just can't believe this is happening. I'm so sad. I'm sooooo soooo sad. My heart is broken. I don't know what I'm going to do. I feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down. Please tell me this didn't happen..

It's not going to get better.

I feel like I just want to die. I can't take this pain. It's unbearable. I don't know if it would be this bad if I weren't pregnant. But losing my puppy along with these hormones is about to make me crazy. I'm so lost..I'm so sad. What am I going to do. I'm sitting in this empty, quiet house. I hate it. I hate it here now. I loved this house when we first moved in, but now I just despise it. I hate being here. This morning when I woke up, it just seemed like too much.

I'm hurting so bad.

Another day and your not here. i woke up this morning so depressed. The house felt empty. I wanted you to cry for me to let you out, but you aren't here. Toby, I love you so much. I don't know what to do without you. This house feels empty. There is a hole in my heart that is empty. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't stop crying. I keep looking in the backyard, hoping that maybe it wasn't you. Hoping that you'll be laying on the deck.

He's gone

Toby was hit by a car on Wednesday (May 24, 2006). I can't believe my baby is gone. I can't. I just don't understand why this happened. My heart hurts.