I got my hopes up.

The other day I was looking at craig's list. There was an ad for a dog someone found around Tech. The description fit you to a t. They even said you were wearing a red collar with no tags. I tried not to get my hopes up but I did. My heart felt so full of hope. I called the number that was on the ad, but no answer. I emailed to ask if the dog is a golden retriever. I thought surely they would of included that in the ad, but some people don't know about breeds. I took a nap after this and for once I didn't wake up sad. I kept day dreaming about picking you up and surprising daddy when he got home from work. I kept thinking I'm not ever going to let you out. I'll go outside when you do your business. I won't ever leave the house unless I absolutely have to. I won't care if we take a vacation because I won't want to be away from you. I was so happy. I thought maybe, just maybe, you weren't gone.

Well, I got the email back this morning and they said that it looked to be a mix of a lab and breckenridge.:-(:-( I wanted it to be you so bad. I wanted to be happy again. Toby, it's been way too long since I've seen you. I miss you...........sooooooooooooooooooooo bad. I hate being this sad but I can't help it. My heart aches with every beat.

I want you. I need you. I don;t want to go to sleep another night without you sneaking on the bed in the middle of the night. I don't want to wake up without you licking my face. I hate this. ..

The pain never goes away.

Toby, will this ever get easier? I doubt it. I miss you so much I literally feel like I'm going to die of a heartache. It hurts so bad. Everyday you are on my mind. Everyday I long for you to come back. You were only 2. This just isn't fair. Why did God have to take you? I just don't understand this. On the paper at the pound it said they picked you up at 6 in the morning. When I asked about you on freecycle, 2 people said they saw you on the side of the road. You must of gotten hit before 6. Maybe 4 or 5 in the morning. How many people are out on the road then? Not many. So how did it turn out that the exact second you were crossing the street a car was coming? I wish you would come back home more than anything in the world. I keep having these daydreams where you come back. When I take out the trash I always look down the alley, hoping to see you running up to me. I kept hearing a dog cry yesterday. I went out to the front and then the back, hoping it was you, but it wasn't. I still look in the paper at the lost and found ads. I don't know if this is denial or what, but I just can't, I won't let go. Right now I'm crying uncontrollably. I'm so sick of being sad. I'm so tired of crying. I'm emotionally exhausted, totally drained. I hate going to bed with an empty, sad heart and waking up without you. I keep reading these posts on the petloss messageboard I go to. People post how they are heart broken because they had to put their 16, 17, 18 year old pet to sleep. God Toby If I could of even gotten 10 years that would of been wonderful. I feel cheated. I also feel so much guilt, so much. I should of let you in that night. If I had everything would be okay. I failed you, baby. I'm a horrible mom. I let you die. You were crying, even howling, something I had never heard you do. You were calling for me and I just ignored you. I'm so sorry, Toby. I keep thinking I should of put you in the garage, or the office maybe, or even Holden's room. Anywhere but outside.

guilt, regrets...

I'm so sorry Toby. I feel compelled to yell that at the top of my lungs. I feel such an overwhelming amount of guilt for what happened to you. I feel like I failed you. I keep replaying that night in my head. I wanted to let you in so bad. I wish I would of. I remember I kept trying to reassure myself that you would be okay for one night. I kept thinking in my head that it wasn't hot outside, the temperature was perfect, you had water. I kept trying to make myself feel better. I wish I would of just let you in. I can never go back to that moment unfortunately. I just can't believe just like that you were gone. Gone forever. I feel so much heart break. It's impossible to get through a day without breaking down. I'm so sorry Toaster. I'm so incredibly sorry. I will never in a million years forgive myself for leaving you out. I went against my gut and now we both are paying. I just hope that you are happy wherever you are. That's the only thing that gives me some peace is thinking about you playing with Chester, Al, Link, and all the other pets that have passed on. Even so I wouldn't hesitate for a second to have you back, if it was possible. I love you. I miss you with every fiber of my being.

sick and tired

I'm so tired Toby. I'm just sick of everything. I'm tired of waking up without you and going to bed without you. I'm tired of crying, but I can't stop. The only way things could get better is if you weren't really gone. I miss you so much. It's all I think about. I feel so empty, so so empty. Why did this happen? That is something I will never in a million years understand. I miss you baby, God this is hard.

You know what happened today? I was sitting on the floor by the couch. Holden was sitting on the couch. Chandler was sitting in front of the front door. All of sudden I hear a noise and I looked towards the kitchen and Holden's ball that goes with his dinosaur toy was rolling. It was really wierd. No one was by it and it just started rolling around. I know it was you. I had a strong feeling that you were the one moving it. Please visit me more often. It makes me feel better knowing you are there. I wish I could see you though. I wish I could touch you gold fur. I wish I could curl up with you on the couch. I miss you, Toaster. More than I could ever explain.

I miss you so much. I feel like I'm going to die of sadness.

tears and heartache

Days like this are so unbearable. Did I mention how much I hate the weekends? Yeah, I really really hate them. I feel so down. I took a nap this afternoon and when I woke up I felt so empty inside. I wanted to see you laying next to be on the bed. I wanted to be able to cuddle with you or at least touch you. It tears me up knowing that I will never see you again. That thought it almost too much to handle. Toby, if there is a way you can come back please do. I am losing it over here.

bad bad day

Toby, I'm having a really hard day. I don't know why this day is any different than yesterday, but I can't stop crying. I miss you so much I feel like I'm going to explode. I really don't understand any of this. I keep torturing myself about not letting you in that night. I'll never forgive myself. I want you to be home so bad and it kills me to know that is impossible. I'm hurting so bad. I can't stop crying. I hate whoever hit you. I really do. I'm so sick about this.

missin' you

I hate waking up from an afternoon nap. I'm always so depressed. Toby I don't know what to do. I feel so far away from you. I miss you so much. I can't even explain how bad it hurts not to have you with us, where you belong. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to see you again.

day dreaming

Is it crazy that I still think you might come back? I know I'm just trying to hold on to some hope. The other day I couldn't stand to be inside any longer so I sat on the deck for the longest time. I was looking at the gate leading to the alley. You can see about an inch or 2 underneath. I kept imagining that I would see your gold paws. I kept imagining how estatically happy I would be. I wish that would, I wish that could happen. I love you, Toby.

my heart feels heavy

Toby, I miss you really bad right now. REally bad. I want you back. I want you back. I want you back. Why is that such an impossible request????? I'm starting to resent everything and everyone. I feel like if just one thing would of been different, you would still be here. I don't understand why you left me. I was looking on my camera the other day and you were in the last picture I took. I was trying to take a picture of my belly and there you were. I wish I could pull you out of the camera and have you back. I'm so sad without you.

life w/o you sucks.

Hi Toby. I'm sorry I haven't written on here in a couple of days. I don't know what to say. I miss you so much. I want more than anything in the world for you to come back home. I'm just so stunned by all of this. I break down crying a lot lately. I just want my Toaster Bear back. I miss everything about you. I can't believe today is 2 weeks since I lost you. I hate this so much. I can't handle this pain.

another monday morning without you.

I woke up mad this morning. I'm just so angry at whoever hit you. I'm sure they didn't mean to, but it still makes me mad. You are not supposed to be gone. You are suppose to be here with us. This isn't right at all. I miss you, Toaster. Last night we went to Wal-mart and got stuff for Chandler (a flea collar, food, a bowl, and a name tag). It was hard because I wanted to be doing these things for you as well. I don't know what to do without you. I never imagined you would leave this way. Not in a million years. I wish I could bring you back..you and Link. Yall aren't supposed to be gone.

such a good boy..

toby bear

I'm feeling a little more at peace today. I still miss you like crazy, but I know crying my eyes out isn't going to bring you back. If it were you'd be back by now. Before this happened I don't know if I believed in doggy heaven, but now I have to. Otherwise I would be even more depressed thinking that were it. One second you were here and the next you were gone. It makes me feel better thinking of you playing with Link, Pepper, Chester, and all the other pets up there. I know this sounds crazy but I keep talking to Chandler, telling him what I want him to tell you one day. I think you can hear me, but I want him to remind you how much we love and miss you when he goes up there with you. Well, anyway, I better go and take a shower before Holdie bear wakes up. I love you Toby. I always will. Forever and ever and ever.

needed to talk to you..

Oh God, Toby, today has been a bad day. I've been stuck here at the house (can't even call it a home) all day. I miss you so bad I'm hurting. Literally. Emotionally, physically hurt. It's just so unfair. It just doesn't make sense why this happened. I keep racking my mind of things I could of done to change what happened. I wish I could go back in time. I would of let you in. I watched Ground Hog Day this afternoon and I wished I could relive that day. I would change it. In a heartbeat I would. I hate this emptiness I feel, but I know it will never be filled. You are the only one that could make it go away, and you are not here. I wake up in the middle of the night and my heart aches. I want you to of snuck on the bed. I remember I would always wake up because my legs were asleep. I couldn't hardly feel them because your big butt was on top of them. If you were here, I wouldn't even snap at you to get off the bed. I wouldn't care. I would just be so happy to have you back. I never thought our time together would be so short. Damn, 2 years, it wasn't long enough. I always imagined that Holden would grow up with you. He has just started to really play with you. He would hold your tail and as you started walking off, he would hold on for dear life. Finally he would fall over and just laugh and laugh. He misses you.

weekends suck

Toby I really hate weekends now that you are gone. They are so depressing. I used to stay home the whole weekend and clean. I didn't mind it. Holden would play with you and Chandler. Then when Holden took his nap sometimes you, Chandler, and me would get in my bed and take a nap. It was nice and relaxing. Now I dread weekends. I feel sick to my stomach when I wake up. I don't want to be here. Not without you. When Holden wakes up I think I'm going to go to my mom's house. My sister was supposed to take the weekend off, but she ended up saying she could work. I'm so bummed about that because we were going to hang out. I really feel so empty right now. I told daddy I want to take a vacation. I think it would feel so good to just have some time away. We have the money to go to Colorado or something, but he can't take off right now. Toby, I can't believe you are gone. I'm still stunned. I have this gut wrenching feeling in the pit of my stomach. I miss you, so much, so so much. I'm really scared. Losing you has scared me so much. I don't think I could ever handle losing someone else.

How does the world keep turning?

I miss you really bad right now, Toby. So bad I can feel my heart breaking. I need you. This isn't fair.

just thinking

I'm having so many regrets today, Toby. I keep thinking about what I could of done differently that would of kept you here with us. For some reason I keep imagining that we would of bought that house on 93rd street. It was right by where you lived for most of your life. It was farther away from the Loop. Maybe you would still be here if we had gotten that house. I don't know. I just feel so angry that this happened.

blah

I miss you really bad right now Toby. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be okay, but right now I don't. I went out to eat with my sister today and after I dropped her off, I couldn't stop crying. I didn't want to come home. It's so hard coming here and not seeing you. Quiet afternoons like this are the worst. I want to hear you breathing. I want to hear you grunt as you get up everytime I leave the room. I want to look down under the desk and see you laying there. I keep thinking about the accident. I feel like I'm going to throw up when I think of how you must of felt. I'm so worried you suffered. I just imagine you laying on the side of the road while I was on the couch sleeping. It makes me sick thinking about it. I love you, Toby. I love you so much. If I had one wish to make it would be that you were here. I'm scared right now. I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I'm trying to act normal, but I can't. I actually cooked dinner last night and it was so hard. I know if you were here you would of been in the kitchen getting in my way. It didn't feel right cooking without you there. I gave Chandler the leftovers, and I just cried because I know how much you love table food. Which makes me feel bad because that day (Tuesday) you didn't have very much to eat. You, Chandler, and that other golden that we kept for a couple days tore up the bag that had your dog food. I hadn't felt like getting some more that day because I couldn't lift the bag. I just gave you some bread that was going stale and the rest of Holden's macaroni. Maybe if I had given you more food, you wouldn't have left. I'm so angry I can't even describe it. Why did I only get 2 years with you? It wasn't long enough, not long at all. Toby, all the days are starting to run together. Yesterday it had been a week since you left. I want you to come back. I've never wanted something so bad in my life. I don't know what else to say. I'm crying too hard to see..

another horrible morning.

Toby this is too much. I can't handle it. Why did you have to leave me? I couldn't sleep last night because I have so much on my mind. I feel like I'm dying. I miss you so much. I'm sorry I always repeat the same things, but it's all true. I'm depressed. I'm sick. I'm tired. I'm angry. I have so many regrets. I hate this life right now. I hate it. Chandler was sitting in your spot under the desk a minute ago. I kept thinking that's Toby's spot. Toby's supposed to sit there. Toby's supposed to look up at me with his big brown eyes and wag his tail when I'm talking to him. OH God, I don't know what else to say. I'm hurting too bad.